There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. -- Ernest Hemingway

星期三, 9月 30, 2009

Ma merè

Early this morning, I was sitting in the breakfast shop and reading a newpaper. Then a boy's crying drew my attention. I looked back and saw a boy, wearing a junior high school uniform, whimping. Out of curiousity, I started to eavesdrop the conversation of his mother.

Then I figured it out the poor little boy is probably a freshman and bullied by his high upperclassman. He is very lucky and his mom comforted him patiently and exchanged opinons with other customers in the breakfast shop.

I held my back several times and tried to focus on my reading, the newspaper today is filled with former president's controversial verdit. Rabiya Kadeer's film "10 conditions of love" has stirred up and caused sasetions these days due to strong opponent from PRC, which led to another kind of free promotion in democratic Taiwan.

But I really can't stand the boy's weak character, so I paid the bill and left.

I remember when I was in junior high school, when I faced bully and I never told my mon or dad. I tried to report to school authority and sort it out myself. It's not wise to deal with bad guys with your fist, but I'm sure there is a better way for you to cry like a girl. Then I attended senior high school, I got no friends and to the worse of all my mom had an affair with a stranger, and that man's wife kept on telephone harassment in the middle of night. I told no one and droppped no tears for that. Then I attended university, my parents divorced. Thanks god, I would say.

My brother's story is much more interesting than mine. He had transferred 3 different school in the junior high schoool. After he was bullied by several his classmates, he took knife to school and prepared to take revenge. Fortunatly, he was stopped by his teachers before he had done something stupid. Then he went to a vocational school instead of senior high school, and he kept on committing juvenile delinquency such as smoke, fight, absence without a cause. He had had litterally 5 major demerits, but had been withdrawed several times. He had one more year to carry on his studys but still fail to obtain the degree. Now he is in the army and will be discharged in October.

He was not a ganster or bad guys like. I knows him well and his good nature. He is 6 years younger than me, and it's me who looked after him when my mom is not there.

Three years ago, I was dignosed as having Hodgkin's Disease, or Lymphoma cancer. My mon took me to hospital in Tri-Service Hospital, Neihu. I had literally received several different treatment and surgeries such as Chemotherapy, Radiation Therapy, Endoscopy,... God grand me mercy and my mother help me to survive, and I appreciate that.

Somehow I cannot put my all trust on my her. I respect her and for many reasons I just cannot love her as much as I love my fater or brother. It's a kind of feeling that beyond description. Once you have been cheated and denied, you would find it difficult to have confidence in someone. In depth of my heart, I just cannot love her as much as she loves me.

In Chinese culture, a man is not allowed to shed tears in public unless he is doing it on a specific purpose. By doing so, it shows fragile and impotent of being masculine. I am never afraid of showing my weakness to my belove, but call me a wicked son, my mom will never see me cry like a girl.

“I had three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society”,said Henry David Thoreau. Everybody has a secret little black box, by chances you may open one or two of the others, and you may luckily enough find someone to share your vulnerable part. However, most of time we just need several comfortable chairs. Sit down, realax, have fun!

2 則留言:

tzuche 提到...

You have my big hug, my brother. God is with you, as always. tzuche

Vergil 提到...

Thanks, I feel better now. They said it is a cure to write. I just put it in English that fewer people would see it.

By the way, I don't wanna hug a man.(hah)