There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. -- Ernest Hemingway

星期六, 5月 03, 2008

The Lord will save me.

What will you do, then?

They say patients who diagnosed as having Hodgkin's Disease are blessing in disguise. Because it’s curable, 70 percent of patients after receiving OPD chemotherapy will recover. Unfortunately, I am the one of poor 30. For there is a saying, cancer is not a matter of life and death. ... It’s more serious than that.

Since 2006 Oct, I had passed the Air Traffic Control test held by CAA, then the medical exam showed something was there in my chest. My life changed, twisted, and started toward a track where I cannot predict like an accelerating train without a brake. I had 12 time chemotherapy, then 20 time radiation therapy. Not to mention all kinds of medical exam, blood phlebotomize, CAT scan, PET scan, WHATEVER scan. It all takes me about almost a year to finish the treatment, and the tumor finally shrank. But the cancer just metastasized, it never stopped growing.

This year I had a PET scan (definitely, it’s not a scan for pets) and the result is heart-breaking. The image showed I had another tumor near the left armpit. So I had gone to Veteran’s Hospital in Taichung to have my bloody continued treatment.

My doctor in Veteran’s Hospital said a good news to me: “If you not gonna have any treatment, you will die in a half year. Have a stem cell transplantation, you will still have 40 percent to recover. If it all doesn’t work, Allogeneic stem cell transplantation will have many complications, and don't worry, you will pass away very quickly.” Well, I had to admit that this is the very first time I was so close to death that I can clearly see his ugly face.

So this Chinese New Year, I spent my time in the hospital for 12 days. Then I got out for a week. Then I was hospitalized again, to have an extensive chemotherapy. So far, I had four times chemotherapy. The doctor also put central venous catheter kit to collect my stem cells… TWICE! Normally you just need to have a little operation to put that thing once, unfortunately the first time they did not collect enough stem cells. So last time I did the operation again and made sure they had enough stem cells.

To look on the bright side of life, I am baptized now. At least I’m purposed driven and I have learnt how to pray when I feel that I really cannot hang on anymore. I can’t imagine how I could survive those painful suffering treatment without scriptures: “…through the valley of showdown of death, I will fear no evil, for you’re with me” “…He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Every time when I look the scriptures, I am always full of tears.

I know I lost my job which I earned and prepared for the test for a year. I know I probably will lose the girl I adore because I couldn’t confess to her. I know, I have already lost two years of my life and those “belle chose”. By having the illness, I know how they feel, Daniel in the Lion Den, Job who tore up his clothes. “…The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, may the name of the Lord be praised.” I believe that the Lord will save me, and lead me not into temptation, Amen.