【日常】寫給自己三十歲的話

就算是期末考快到了很忙也要寫一點東西。應該這樣說，很忙的時候反而會有靈感。


過去的那些年


大概是從兩千零五年左右，大三時看到了部落格的興起，於是心血來潮開始申請了blogger這個帳戶來紀錄一些日常瑣碎的日記。


畢業後當兵，前女友出國，寄一封信到英國有著快兩個禮拜的時差，營區禁止手機通訊，我開始把握周末很勤更新「周記」。營區外網咖的溫馨提示「時間快到了」逼得自己寫出一篇篇像是真實版的莒光園地，給在國外遊學的女友瀏覽。


由於我們的時空不同、她很早進入了另外一個社會階段，事後來看其實分手一點也不意外。要退伍時，我得到淋巴癌，就這麼接受基督教受洗了。回想當時的心裡防禦力低到「如果有神存在的話就請立刻把我接走吧」的谷底，心理學上經歷了像是鬧劇般的庫伯勒羅斯理論模型五個階段。（否認：我很健康，外表跟一般人沒有什麼兩樣怎麼可能得到癌症，這一定是哪裡有誤會／憤怒：我在軍隊裡那麼拼命運動念書考上特考結果得到癌症失去資格他媽的有天理嗎／討價還價：至少癌症是第三期還可以治療／沮喪：我不菸不酒不吸毒還會扶老太太過馬路為什麼是我／接受好吧，就當神簽給了我好大的一張假）；當時自己的想法如果自己真的與癌症作戰失敗了，起碼還在網路上留下過一些隻字片語，就跟潛水鐘與蝴蝶裡那位倒楣鬼漸凍人ＥＬＬＥ雜誌主編一樣悽慘。


尼采：凡殺不死你的只會讓你更強壯


英文有個比喻形容長久的苦難終會結束、希望仍在，像是通過漫長隧道裡的看到那道光。"there is light in the end of tunnel"。電影《駭客任務》在第一集開了這個玩笑，探員史密斯把尼歐打成重傷推到地鐵裡壓著他被電車輾過，「安德森先生，聽到那命運的轟隆聲了嗎」，來自隧道裡的那道光不一定會救你，還可能會把你殺了。


淋巴癌經歷過了漫長的治療，我的頭髮掉光又長出來，內湖三總電療治療完畢又復發了一次。過去的五年間庸庸碌碌忙著為留著條小命打拼，不知不覺間今年三十歲了。總覺得有種愧疚感，好像自己一事無成，像是「一百公尺賽跑鳴槍時自己往反方向跑了出去」。如果二十歲的我看到現在看到現在的我會不會覺得可恥呢？前一陣子一位同年紀的前同事在法黎攻讀博士班，世界就這麼小剛好是我現在就讀的學校，算起來她是學姊。她回來學校演講提到了「我是因為某某原因所以延遲了一年去巴黎」。她不需要強調這點，這麼一小段插曲對聽眾來說根本沒有人在意啊。


我總想到一個人騎著機車在台二十一線從楠梓返回旗山的夜晚，路很大、很直。左邊是高聳的泥山，右邊的楓港溪滾滾的河水雨天時會侵蝕道路，有點危險的夜晚的涼風颼颼，經過的車輛飛快，好大一段路上車量稀少，沒有幾戶人家，有時候甚至沒有路燈。只有銀白色皎潔的月光還有引擎高速運轉的咆嘯聲，你無法正確地知道別人在哪裡，卻又忍不住從後照鏡觀望確認刺眼的車燈，確定自己跟後面來車的位置。不斷地埋頭前進又無法不在意跟別人比較，確認自己的狀態，確認自己還朝向正確目標前進。


我喜歡這樣有著美麗月光的深夜，把機車大燈關了騎車，眼睛適應周圍的環境後，沉浸在一個人的世界裡。直到遠方的對向車道或是後照鏡裡又出現了別的車輛大燈，提醒自己也不得不打開自己的大燈為止。短暫的幾分鐘裡這個世界上只剩下一輛使用了十年的摩托車與內心世界的對話，喜歡那種無可言喻的孤獨與滿足感，像是一種自我淨化的儀式，跟單獨一個人背著相機去爬山很像。

最近迷上了米倉涼子演的這齣日劇，突然又開始想學日文 XD

量化的人生

這學期來了中國的交換生，才知道中國在經濟上有一種「五年計畫」，比方說第十一個五年計畫是建立全面的小康社會，又簡稱為「十一五」。推特上有中國網友調侃自己，戲稱畢業後第一個五年計畫是：「不要自殺」。看看畢業後的自己，第二個五年已經快過了一半，變成了30歲的研究生，應該也是要小步快跑做出一點成績的時候了。


現在的我還處於不斷微調與修正方向的的階段，不知道四十歲時回頭看到這篇文章會有什麼感想呢？在帶著些許不安的同時卻又很憧憬未來的到來。

The Lord will save me.

What will you do, then?

They say patients who diagnosed as having Hodgkin's Disease are blessing in disguise. Because it’s curable, 70 percent of patients after receiving OPD chemotherapy will recover. Unfortunately, I am the one of poor 30. For there is a saying, cancer is not a matter of life and death. ... It’s more serious than that.

Since 2006 Oct, I had passed the Air Traffic Control test held by CAA, then the medical exam showed something was there in my chest. My life changed, twisted, and started toward a track where I cannot predict like an accelerating train without a brake. I had 12 time chemotherapy, then 20 time radiation therapy. Not to mention all kinds of medical exam, blood phlebotomize, CAT scan, PET scan, WHATEVER scan. It all takes me about almost a year to finish the treatment, and the tumor finally shrank. But the cancer just metastasized, it never stopped growing.

This year I had a PET scan (definitely, it’s not a scan for pets) and the result is heart-breaking. The image showed I had another tumor near the left armpit. So I had gone to Veteran’s Hospital in Taichung to have my bloody continued treatment.

My doctor in Veteran’s Hospital said a good news to me: “If you not gonna have any treatment, you will die in a half year. Have a stem cell transplantation, you will still have 40 percent to recover. If it all doesn’t work, Allogeneic stem cell transplantation will have many complications, and don't worry, you will pass away very quickly.” Well, I had to admit that this is the very first time I was so close to death that I can clearly see his ugly face.

So this Chinese New Year, I spent my time in the hospital for 12 days. Then I got out for a week. Then I was hospitalized again, to have an extensive chemotherapy. So far, I had four times chemotherapy. The doctor also put central venous catheter kit to collect my stem cells… TWICE! Normally you just need to have a little operation to put that thing once, unfortunately the first time they did not collect enough stem cells. So last time I did the operation again and made sure they had enough stem cells.

To look on the bright side of life, I am baptized now. At least I’m purposed driven and I have learnt how to pray when I feel that I really cannot hang on anymore. I can’t imagine how I could survive those painful suffering treatment without scriptures: “…through the valley of showdown of death, I will fear no evil, for you’re with me” “…He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Every time when I look the scriptures, I am always full of tears.

I know I lost my job which I earned and prepared for the test for a year. I know I probably will lose the girl I adore because I couldn’t confess to her. I know, I have already lost two years of my life and those “belle chose”. By having the illness, I know how they feel, Daniel in the Lion Den, Job who tore up his clothes. “…The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, may the name of the Lord be praised.” I believe that the Lord will save me, and lead me not into temptation, Amen.